Another Arab-American Girl's Perspective on Being Single and Muslim (Sigh)

Alright, I have finally started to accept that it is okay to be an Arab-American girl, along an ambitious career path, not too far from turning 30.... and.… dare I reveal... single! [shock, awe]. For those of you who don't blink when you read my first sentence, you will better understand if I told you that when a traditional Muslim elder hears that about me, behind his or her smile, forced out of politeness, hangs the question, "yikes, what's wrong with her?"

Frankly, I don’t feel anything is “wrong” with me except for the fact I face a double standard, particularly the connection between age and marriage that is applied against Muslim women. Sure, this may be old and or cliché to many, but it’s reality [at least with me]. I know many Muslim women who are successful engineers, doctors, and of other professions. These girls are smart, attractive, and active in social and charity organizations and they are also single. I am one of these women who is focused on her career and academic growth as well as am having a difficult time finding a descent life partner, husband, whatever label you want to put on ‘the one’ [guy]. While I was growing up, and my friends can empathize, we were encouraged to be ambitious and set stretch goals, academically and professionally. Education was and still is huge in my family and we push ourselves to work hard. Now let’s fast forward- it’s several years later, my friends and I excelled in school and are on our way along some outstanding career paths, exceeding our parents’ original expectations, but now we’re dealing with another strong pressure- the “deadline” for marriage, preceded by how we need to be more realistic with what we expect in a husband and that we’re too picky. So because my selection criteria doesn’t solely consist of “must have beating heart” and “be of male species,” I’ve earned the stamp, “too old to be marriage material.”

The sad thing is a lot of us have met educated, successful and progressive Muslim men. All of these men- introduced to us via friends, family, work, internet, and so forth- indicate they are impressed by successful and independent women, but it just seems women of this profile are not considered "marriage material." It’s 2009 and many of these men we have met picture their future wives traditional, nice that she’s educated and maybe even a professional, but she should be ready and willing to raise a family, so onto the shelf her education and career shall go. Take it from me, many of us Muslim women want to be wives and mothers while at the same time be respected for our profession. From several encounters with Muslim men, they’ve indicated that if I was to be their wife, they will “deal with” my career…what happened to just accepting it? What happened to wanting a woman with goals and a good head on her shoulders [which is what supposedly attracted him to me in the first place]? Every time I come across this point in a discussion with a potential match, I fight the urge to just reach across and slap the guy with some reality and articulate, “dude, I don’t want to marry you to compete with you, I want to so that I can partner with you!”

And for all of the ‘pious’ Muslims out there, who criticize strong-willed gals like myself, let’s examine the life of Prophet Muhammad [swt]. There was an article I read some time ago that elaborated on Prophet Muhammad and his relationship with Khadija. To sum the article, his marriage to Khadija, a businesswoman who was also fifteen years his senior, was the longest of all his marriages (28 years). Not only was Khadija an established professional, but also was confident and independent enough that she proposed marriage to Muhammad. And, guess what? The Prophet didn’t think she was “not marriage material.”

Honestly, I didn’t want my first post to be me whining about some of the unfairness I tackle daily, especially with greater problems out there in the world. The topic of marriage is one I encounter very frequently- whether it’s with those who think “something’s wrong” with me or those who place a hand on my shoulder and give me that it-will-happen-for-you-one-day look, so I just wanted to express some thoughts pertaining to this. To bring this all home, for any partnership, especially marriage, to develop, both interested parties need to learn to communicate expectations and listen and understand one another. In a way, this is a call to action for women out there- you should express your expectations of marriage to that guy who you think is a potential husband, but, I do caution about how and when to do it [which provides material for a number of posts to come on this blog] :P.